


kids II

by waveydnp



Series: the feeling still deep down is good [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coming Out, M/M, Sexual Content, Sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 07:35:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17783255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: It’s a strange feeling to be falling a little deeper every day and not be allowed to let anyone else see.





	kids II

**Author's Note:**

> written for lackless <3

Phil can’t believe he’s back here. He can’t believe he’s allowed himself to be dragged out to a loud and crowded house party where everyone is drunk and he’s staring longingly at a fit guy with messy brown hair falling into his tropical ocean eyes.

He supposes there’s a bit of fun in the sense of nostalgia it gives him, but he can think of a few places he’d really much rather be tonight than surrounded by people and their prying eyes.

Jimmy likes parties. Jimmy likes people. He’s got lots of mates and he can’t exactly abandon them in favour of hiding away naked in bed with Phil _every_ night. That would only raise suspicion.

Phil’s not entirely sure he much cares about suspicion. He’s got mates too, but he never passes up the opportunity to see Jimmy. He can’t stop people from thinking what they’re going to think. He’s not ready to introduce himself to the world as a boy who’s in love with a boy, but he’s not particularly bothered by people drawing their own conclusions.

But Jimmy is. So they’re keeping a very respectable amount of distance between them, and Phil’s trying to keep the evidence of his longing off his face. He’s not sure he’s succeeding, but then again, he reckons no one’s really looking at him.

There’s a pretty girl sat between them on the sofa, and she’s definitely not looking at Phil. She’s drunk beyond the stage where boundaries are important apparently, because she’s got a hand on Jimmy’s thigh and she’s saying something about how closeby her flat is and how her housemates probably won’t be back for hours.

Phil tries to be discreet about the way he’s watching Jimmy’s face, studying the minute changes in his expression with every escalation of this woman’s attempt to get him to leave with her. They’ve been sat on this bloody sofa for an hour and she’s been between them the whole time, never once turning her attention to Phil, not even to say hello. He’s had to listen to her chat up his boyfriend and sit with the discomfort of said boyfriend chatting back.

Jimmy is a friendly bloke. He’s not going to deny someone a conversation, especially one that seems to come so easily. Turns out he has a class with this girl and she’s noticed how cute his butt is a time or two. Again, boundaries. She’s not got those tonight.

Phil’s not jealous. That would be daft. He’s the one who actually gets to see that butt in its full glory, not her. He’s not insecure enough to think Jimmy would actually leave with this bird. If anything it should make him proud to be with someone who catches other people’s eyes.

Right?

Phil’s got no mates at this party. It’s for history majors, not linguistics, and he hadn’t thought to text any of his own friends until it was too late and he was trapped here nursing a warm beer and sneaking sidelong glances at the tipsy rose of Jimmy’s cheeks.

He’s got his phone out now too, rather desperate for a distraction but nothing can hold his interest when the girl stands up and stretches her arms over her head theatrically. Her shirt rides up considerably and shows off enough of her stomach that Phil can see a glint of jewelry in her belly button.

He honestly doesn’t even know if Jimmy is into that. They’ve not spent too much time talking about anything like that. He suddenly hates that he doesn’t know.

“I think I’m heading out,” she says in a low, quiet voice, looking down at Jimmy. If Phil weren’t right next to her he wouldn’t be able to hear what comes next. “Are you coming with me?”

Phil’s heart punches against his ribs. He can’t stop himself watching Jimmy’s face, holding his breath as he waits for Jimmy’s reply.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Jimmy says, his mouth turned up megawatt. “I’m actually kind of seeing someone.”

-

Phil’s barely got the door locked when he pushes Jimmy up against the back of it and all but attacks him with his mouth. Jimmy squawks like he’s going to protest but Phil’s already working Jimmy’s belt off and the fly of his jeans open and he knows that’s not something Jimmy’s going to stop, even if they are in the toilet at a party and they can’t be sure no one saw them come in here together.

Jimmy pushes his head back against the door and groans when Phil gets a hand around him and squeezes. Maybe it’s a touch possessive, maybe it’s a touch proud. He’s not actually drunk but he feels like he is now, because Jimmy isn’t going home with some girl, he’s here with Phil, and Phil’s allowed to touch him like this. Jimmy _wants_ Phil to touch him like this.

“That was so hot,” Phil breathes against Jimmy’s neck.

Jimmy clings to Phil’s waist as Phil jerks him. “Didn’t think I was actually gonna say yes, did you?”

“Didn’t know what you were gonna say,” Phil growls. He bites Jimmy’s neck and squeezes harder, jerks a little faster until he earns a proper moan.

Jimmy drops his forehead down onto Phil’s shoulder. “Fuck.”

“Happy with your choice?” Phil teases. The response he gets is a wordless one as Jimmy grabs ineffectually at Phil’s belt. Phil just grins and crushes his body even closer against Jimmy’s.

Jimmy kisses him hard and wet like any other choice would be impossible. Phil loves that. He wants to believe it’s true.

Just then there’s an aggressive knock on the outside of the door. “Oi, hurry up in there, I need a piss!”

Jimmy’s eyes go wide and he pushes at Phil’s shoulders. “Fuck,” he hisses.

Phil raps back so hard his knuckles sting. “Oi, I’m busy in here! Go wee in the bushes.”

Jimmy’s eyes go even wider, but instead of pushing away he pulls Phil in closer. “Hurry up,” he whispers into Phil’s ear with urgency. “Make me come.”

Phil doesn’t need to be asked twice.

-

Jimmy sneaks out a few minutes later after hastily wiping himself off with some toilet roll. Phil stays in the loo a little longer to wash his hands and will his boner to come back later.

And also so as not to arouse the dreaded suspicion. Jimmy has mates at this party after all, mates who’d be pretty bloody curious as to what he was doing in the toilet with another bloke if they saw.

Phil’s stomach tightens. At least it helps his dick get soft again.

It doesn’t matter anyway. It shouldn’t matter to him what anyone else would think, because as soon as the doors are closed and the curtains are drawn they’re at each other with downright teenage levels of libido and impatience.

Later he’ll go back to halls with Jimmy and they’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms, but for now he has to fiddle his fringe back into place and rinse Jimmy’s come off his hand and rejoin the party like everything is normal.

He finds Jimmy with some of his mates whose names Phil can’t remember and the rest of the night is uneventful. He fills a cup with Malibu and coke and sticks close - but not too close - to Jimmy as they mingle. The chatting becomes easier the later it gets and the more he drinks.

Jimmy is so great. Phil just keeps coming back to that. He’s funny and smart and fun and gorgeous. It’s a strange feeling to be falling a little deeper every day and not be allowed to let anyone else see. He doesn’t actually want anyone to see, but sometimes he wishes he could just reach out and hold Jimmy’s hand without having to check that no one’s watching.

He’s jolted from his thoughts by a gentle elbow to the ribs. “Stop thinking so hard, mate.” Jimmy smiles and he’s just so pretty when he does that.

Phil elbows him back. “That’s your fault not mine,” he says, his voice hushed though there doesn’t seem to be anyone else around at the moment. “When can we leave?”

“We haven’t even done any awkward drunken dancing yet.”

Phil frowns. “Please for the love of god tell me you are joking.”

Jimmy laughs. “I’m joking. We can go.”

-

Jimmy’s bed is tiny, just like everything else in his room. Except Phil, of course. Phil’s not tiny. His feet dangle off the foot of the bed and he and Jimmy have to lie nearly on top of each other not to fall off on either side. It doesn’t make for a great night’s sleep, but it does encourage a lot of touching and Phil’s more than happy with that.

He always wants to be touching Jimmy, even if it’s just to remind himself that he can, even if it’s just an arm around his shoulder or his head laid against Jimmy’s chest. It soothes him, quiets all the anxious voices in his head that tell him he doesn’t know what he’s doing, or that he’s doing it all wrong.

He’s never had a boyfriend before. He’s never had a _person_ before. He doesn’t know what it would be like to hold hands in public or introduce Jimmy as more than a mate. He doesn’t know if it would feel better, but he knows it makes the private moments mean even more.

When his alarm goes off on the mornings they wake up together it’s always too soon. He has a class to get to today, but all he wants to do is burrow deeper into Jimmy’s warmth and kiss him awake and do that touching thing they both like so much.

Jimmy groans at the sound and Phil struggles to untangle himself from sheets and limbs to turn it off.

“Are you leaving?” Jimmy croaks.

“Got class.” Phil forces himself to sit up, rubbing into the soreness his eyes feel from sleeping with his contact lenses in yet again. He’s really got to stop doing that. “You do too, don’t you?”

Jimmy groans louder. “Why did we go out last night?”

“Because you insisted. I would’ve been happy staying in.” He reaches over and ruffles Jimmy’s hair.

“You always wanna stay in.” He grabs Phil’s hand and pulls him back down.

Phil lets himself be pulled. He can be a little late. It’s a huge class, no one will notice. He throws a leg over Jimmy’s hip and nuzzles shamelessly. “Can you blame me? We can’t do stuff like this when we go out.” He leans in for a kiss that Jimmy laughs into.

“Ok, that’s fair.”

Phil pulls back a bit. “Does that ever like, bother you? Not being able to, like…”

Jimmy frowns until understanding dawns. “Uh, I dunno. I guess I haven’t thought about it that much.”

“Yeah.” He wonders if Jimmy can hear the weirdness in his voice. “Sure.” He wonders if that’s true, or if Jimmy just doesn’t doesn’t know what to say.

“I just know I can’t…” Jimmy trails off, looking away.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry, I dunno why I brought it up. I’ve got to get going or I’ll be late.” He jumps up out of the bed before Jimmy can pull him back again, not that he thinks he’d want to anymore.

He picks up his clothes off the floor and throws them on as Jimmy props himself up on his elbows. He’s shirtless and rumpled and unspeakably gorgeous to Phil, but for some reason right now that just makes his stomach tighten in the bad way.

Phil gives Jimmy a smile on his way out. “I’ll see you later?” He hates how a small part of him always expects the answer to be no.

“Yeah. Of course.”

-

Martyn’s been ringing. He wants to come up, take Phil out for a drink, hear about how his life is going.

Phil wants it and he doesn’t. He misses home something terrible, misses family game nights and sleeping in bunk beds with his brother and not having to wash his own laundry. There’s so much about home that he misses.

But Martyn is good at reading his face, he always has been, and that makes Phil nervous. He doesn’t know if he’s allowed to talk about Jimmy. He doesn’t even know if he wants to.

He feels like he doesn’t know anything…

And then Jimmy texts him to meet after class at the oldest building on campus and Phil’s heart beats a little faster just from reading the words. So he does know something. He knows how much he wants Jimmy. Does anything else even really matter? Maybe confusion is just part of it. Maybe he’d be confused no matter who he’d ended up falling for.

It’s a trek to get to where Jimmy is waiting for him. No one even uses this building anymore. It’s honestly a wonder it’s still standing.

He rounds the corner and there Jimmy is, looking gorgeous and grinning as he holds up two bags of crisps. “Lunch,” he says.

“Wow.” Phil takes one of the packets and they sit next to each other on the steps. “Cheers.”

“Look what else.” He digs in his backpack and Phil can hear the clinking even before Jimmy pulls out two bottles of beer.

“It’s not even noon!” Phil protests.

Jimmy cracks them both open anyway and hands one to Phil. “Live a little.”

“Is that why we’re here?” Phil asks, taking his beer while giving Jimmy a look. “You wanna get sloshed without any witnesses?”

“I’m not gonna get sloshed off one beer.” He clinks the neck of the bottle against Phil’s. “And maybe there’s something else I wanna do without witnesses.”

Phil cocks an eyebrow, trying not to let it show how much that thrills him.

“Lunch first,” Jimmy says with a smirk. “Growing boys need to eat.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “You sound like my mum.”

They don’t even make it through a bag of crisps and half a beer before they’re on each other. There really isn’t anyone around and Jimmy wouldn’t stop giving Phil knowing little looks. Phil can’t resist those eyes and that smile on a normal day, let alone one where Jimmy is flirting so blatantly.

He pulls Jimmy right into his lap, arranges a leg on either side of his hips and shivers at the way Jimmy kisses back. He’s so eager and no part of Phil feels like either of them would like to be anywhere else. He wants to bottle the feeling up and store it away for the moments doubt starts to creep back in. This is his Jimmy, the one who’ll smuggle beer in with his books and find a private place just so they can snog somewhere with the sun on their faces.

Not that it’s sunny; it’s not. But there is a sun behind those clouds somewhere, and they can hear birds chirping in the trees. They’re not locked away in a stranger’s toilet or shoved into a bed far too small. It feels good. Phil really likes how it feels.

And he really likes how Jimmy kisses him. It’s wet and deep, a kiss that would definitely lead to more if they _were_ somewhere else, but Phil’s happy just to taste the salt on Jimmy’s lips and shove his hands up under his hoodie. “Best lunch,” he murmurs when he pulls away for just a second.

Jimmy’s got a hold on either side of Phil’s face and he pulls him back in right away, not sparing a single word. He’s not looking around to double check the lack of witnesses and Phil likes that more than he wants to admit. He doesn’t really want to know what that means, he just wants to live in it and soak it up.

They have to stop eventually, much to Phil’s chagrin. Jimmy has class and Phil’s ass is starting to go numb and they’ve pushed their luck enough as it is.

“My brother’s coming up,” Phil says as they walk back to the main campus.

“Oh yeah?”

“I think he might be on a spy mission for my mum. Make sure I’m eating vegetables and brushing my teeth and that.”

Jimmy snorts. “But you’re not.”

“I brush my teeth.”

“When was the last time you ate a vegetable?”

Phil bites his lip. “Does pizza sauce count?”

Jimmy just laughs at him. “Mrs. Lester will be so disappointed in you.”

Phil hates the double meaning he finds in those words. He looks over at Jimmy and Jimmy looks back and seems to know exactly what Phil’s thinking. The comfort he offers is a gentle elbow to Phil’s bicep and a soft look on his face. His lips are still extra pink from the half hour of enthusiastic kissing they’d partaken in, but now all Phil can think is what Kath would say if she knew.

He doesn’t know what she’d say. He truly can’t even guess. She’s his mum and she loves him more than anything, he knows that. He knows she’d love him no matter what. But she could love him _in spite_ of certain choices and to him that feels like poison in his stomach.

His grandfather hadn’t even been ok with Phil dying his hair.

Jimmy bumps his shoulder into Phil’s. “What’s up, mate? You’re gonna hurt yourself thinking so hard.”

He tries to smile, quite sure it comes out looking forced but it’s the best he can do right now. He wants to ask if he’s allowed to tell his brother, but then… does he even want that?

Once he tells him, he won’t be able to take it back. It’ll be out in the open and he won’t be able to control how Martyn deals with it or who he might tell or how it might change the way he looks at his little brother.

“Phil.” Jimmy’s voice is a little firmer this time.

Phil snaps his head up.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Do you not wanna see your brother?”

“I do,” Phil insists. He does. He just wishes it didn’t feel so complicated. “I guess I was just… thinking.”

“Yeah, I could tell. Anyway, I have to go in here.”

Phil realizes they’re stood in front of the building where Jimmy’s next class is. He really must have been zoning out hard. “Oh yeah, ok. I’ll see you later?”

Jimmy frowns. “You know you don’t have to keep asking me that. The answer is always going to be yes.”

Phil nods. “See you, then.”

Jimmy reaches out and gives Phil a solid punch. “Ok then, weirdo.”

That makes Phil smile for real. “You’re the weirdo.”

“Mmm, nope. Still you.”

“Go to class, knobhead.”

Jimmy laughs. “Always knobs with you, innit?”

Phil looks scandalized, but deep down he’s kind of thrilled that Jimmy would say something like that out loud when there are technically people around to hear.

“I’ll come over tonight?” Jimmy asks.

Phil nods. “I’ll be waiting.” He watches Jimmy open the door and disappear on his way to a class about something boring that no doubt happened like two hundred years ago.

He pulls out his phone and dials Martyn’s number.

-

Phil’s bed is bigger, but they don’t get to share it nearly as often as Phil would like. He’s got housemates, lots of them, and sometimes they’d rather have no space and the freedom to make noise than have to bite back every groan and sigh.

Phil prefers the bigger bed. He doesn’t care about the springs creaking or how it looks that he only ever lets Jimmy come into his room and none of his other mates. He loves having the space to lie next to Jimmy and roll around a little if the opportunity presents itself.

Tonight, he creates the opportunity. He hadn’t put a lock on his door for nothing and he’s been worked up all day from the impromptu lunchtime make out.

Also, admittedly, he’s been feeling weird. And things never feel weird when their clothes come off and talking becomes unnecessary. He likes it when hormone and instinct and the desire for each other takes over everything else. That’s when it’s easy.

Jimmy’s on his back and Phil is next to him, laid on his side and savouring Jimmy’s noises as he strokes him almost lazily. He wants to make it last, doesn’t even care that he’s been hard for approximately a century and can feel that particular pain rather keenly as he looks down Jimmy’s naked body and watches his pretty cock disappearing over and over into his fist.

He leans forward and sinks his teeth into Jimmy’s shoulder in search of some relief from the tension. It doesn’t work, really, but he still likes the little pink marks he leaves in Jimmy’s skin.

“Why does it feel so much better when you wank me than when I do it myself?” Jimmy asks.

“Maybe you like me a little bit,” Phil murmurs, dropping a kiss to the spot he’d just gnawed on.

“More than a little bit,” Jimmy corrects. “A lot a bit.”

“It’s the same for me.”

“I don’t even think you’re putting in that much effort.”

“Oi,” Phil squawks, but he’s smiling.

“I didn’t mean it like— shut up.” He fumbles his hand between them to lay his palm against Phil’s belly. “I was trying to say something nice.”

“I’m putting in effort to make it last.”

Jimmy sighs his appreciation and dips the the tips of his fingers down inside Phil’s boxers. He has to contort his arm rather awkwardly but it still makes Phil’s stomach go swoopy.

“You’re the first bloke to ever touch my cock, you know,” Jimmy informs him.

“What’s the verdict?”

“Ten out of ten on the wank-o-meter.”

Phil laughs into Jimmy’s neck and speeds up his tugs for effect.

“Oh god, I take it back. A hundred,” Jimmy groans. “A million out of ten.”

Phil returns to his leisurely pace. “A million is too good. A million would make you come too fast.”

“I like coming,” Jimmy says. Phil wonders how much of this conversation he’s even really aware of at this point. “I like it when you make me come.”

“I will,” Phil coos. “You just have to be patient.”

“I hate being patient.”

Phil drops his hand and pushes himself up, swinging a leg over Jimmy’s lap to sit right on top of him.

“Now you’re not even touching me,” Jimmy whines.

“Correct. I mean, I kind of am with my butt.”

“Oh,” Jimmy says, like he hadn’t even realized it. “Yeah, you are.” His voice has gone unexpectedly low as his hands slide up Phil’s thighs and his fingers push up under the legs of his underwear.

Phil wiggles a little just to see what Jimmy will do, enjoying the odd sense of power it gives him to be in this position.

Jimmy’s nails dig into Phil’s flesh. “Oi, don’t tease me, buddy.”

“What am I teasing, exactly?”

Suddenly his air is all but knocked out as  
Jimmy sits up and pushes Phil onto his back. Phil doesn’t even have a chance to get a word out before Jimmy is tugging Phil’s pants off and tossing them onto the floor.

The he lies back down and makes grabby hands at Phil. “Come back.”

“You really do hate being patient, don’t you?” Phil asks. He climbs back on top of Jimmy and this time there’s absolutely nothing between them.

It makes his head spin. This kind of below the belt skin on skin is more than they’ve ever done before. Even the times they’ve used their mouths on each other have been few and far between. Mostly it just feels safe and easy to kiss and dry hump and wank each other off.

Now Phil’s naked as the day he was born and he can feel the hardness of Jimmy’s cock on his bare ass cheek.

“You hate it too,” Jimmy says, and then his eyes rake slowly down Phil’s torso to where his cock is standing up hard and neglected between his legs.

Phil squirms under the attention, but it’s nothing compared to the rush of sensation when Jimmy wraps his hand around him. Phil’s eyes flutter shut and he suddenly understands Jimmy’s pleas for more.

The lazy pace is torturous. In the best way, of course, but it definitely makes the muscles in this thighs clench in anticipation of something Jimmy’s not going to give him.

“Fuck,” he breathes.

“Yeah,” Jimmy replies. “I know. Can I tell you something?”

Phil nods.

“Your ass is soft.”

Phil wiggles again and Jimmy’s eyes squeeze shut like he’s in pain. “Don’t do that.”

Phil smirks. “Why not?”

“Because it just makes me want to fuck you even more.”

“What?”

They’d never talked about that. Phil hasn’t even really thought about it. He’d kind of assumed that was for people who were properly… well… gay.

“M’just saying,” Jimmy mumbles.

“You… you want that?”

Jimmy stops his stroking and props himself up on his elbows. “Sorry. I didn’t know it would freak you out.”

“Who says I’m freaking out?”

“Um… your face?”

Phil reaches up to cup his cheeks. “This face?”

A smile quirks at the corner of Jimmy’s mouth. “That’s the one.”

“It’s not freaking out. It’s surprised.”

“Why, exactly?” Jimmy asks. “You’ve had sex, yeah?”

“Yeah. That’s different.”

Jimmy frowns. “What, you just don’t wanna do it with me?”

“Do you want me to fuck you?” Phil asks. “Do you want it both ways?”

That seems to pull Jimmy up short. He flops down onto his back and looks up at the ceiling, hand pushing his fringe back over his forehead.

Phil can’t bear the sudden tension. It’s not the right kind anymore, not the hot kind it was a minute ago. He climbs off Jimmy’s lap and off the bed to grab the first pair of trousers he can find, sweats that he can’t even say for sure are clean.

“Phil.”

“What?” He’s still rooting around on the floor for a clean shirt.

“Will you stop, please?”

“Stop what?”

“Getting dressed,” Jimmy says. “Come back to bed.” His voice is hushed, because Jimmy feels bad or because he can hear people downstairs, Phil couldn’t say.

“Why?” he asks, his tone flat.

“Because I want you.”

Phil finally looks up and over to Jimmy, who’s pulled the duvet over himself but is still shirtless and sat up in bed. Even now, with his insides all twisted up anxiously, Phil can’t deny how inviting a sight Jimmy is.

“Please,” Jimmy says, and Phil breaks. He walks over to his bed and climbs up. Jimmy wastes no time pulling him down so they’re laid on their sides facing each other.

Jimmy squeezes around Phil’s waist and stares into his eyes, his fringe falling down messy over his forehead again. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m a twat.”

“So is that a no, then?” Phil asks. He wants to pretend he’s fine but can’t yet, apparently.

“What?”

“You don’t want to… you know. You only wanna do the… the fucking.”

“Oh.” Jimmy’s face falls. “Can we just forget I said anything?”

“Why is it weird if I’m nervous about it but not if you are?” Phil asks.

“It’s not,” Jimmy says, pulling Phil tight to his chest. “I’m sorry, Phil, ok? It’s not weird. I told you, I was stupid. I didn’t think of it like that.”

“Are you gay?” Phil blurts.

Jimmy stares at him. He doesn’t answer right away but he doesn’t try to pretend it’s a strange question, either. “I don’t know,” he says finally. “Maybe I am. I don’t know. Are you?”

Phil feels some sort of weird relief flood his chest with warmth. His stomach unclenches and he says, “I don’t know either. I reckon I’m just, like… really confused.”

“About what?”

Phil shrugs. “Like everything?”

“Me?” Jimmy asks.

“Kind of, yeah.”

“Are you breaking up with me? Because I said I wanted to fuck you?”

“What?” Phil asks, taken aback. “No! That’s not what I meant by confused.”

“Well tell me what you meant.”

“Are you not confused?” Phil asks. “Like, about me?”

“No. Of course not. Do I seem confused?”

“Well… yeah,” Phil admits. “You do.”

Jimmy frowns. “How?”

Phil shakes his head. “I don’t wanna fight anymore.”

Jimmy leans in and kisses him right on the mouth. He runs his hands up into Phil’s hair and parts Phil’s lips with his to taste him and deepen the kiss into something Phil can’t deny does not feel confused in the least.

Phil kisses back. He sinks into it, runs his hands down Jimmy’s back to cup his ass and squeeze a little. It’s an escalation of their usual touches but it feels appropriate for the moment. Jimmy doesn’t seem to mind, in fact he rolls his body on top of Phil’s and just kisses harder.

Phil’s right back to where he was before, only worse. He’s hard and desperate, but this time patience can jog on. He wants to feel good. He wants to make Jimmy feel good. No more waiting.

Jimmy seems to have the same idea, because he gets a hand on the waistband of Phil’s sweats and tugs them down enough to free Phil’s cock. “We don’t have to fuck to have sex,” he whispers in Phil’s ear.

Phil doesn’t know what that means but Jimmy seems sure and Phil’s happy to lie back and find out.

It turns out what Jimmy means is to roll his hips into Phil over and over, grinding against Phil’s hip and stomach and cock over and over until Phil is crazy enough with need to reach down and wank them both off at the same time.

It’s incredibly chaotic and uncoordinated and he’s sure somewhere down the line it wouldn’t be a viable option for satisfying this particular need but tonight it’s unspeakably hot and by far the most intimate thing they’ve ever done together.

They’re sweating against each other’s skin and breathing out so many different vocalizations of pleasure. Phil’s chest hurts from supporting Jimmy’s weight and the muscles in his ass have been clenched for god knows how long but when he comes it’s like an explosion and he knows he earned the fuck out of the mess he makes of Jimmy’s stomach.

Afterwards they lie next to each other on their backs and breath through the exertion until they can speak again.

“I’m not confused because I don’t want you,” Phil says. “I’m confused about what it means that I want you so much. But… I reckon it doesn’t matter.”

“I’m not confused about how much I want you either,” Jimmy says, rolling onto his side and plastering himself to the side of Phil. “I know I fought it for too long, but it was never because I didn’t know what I wanted.”

“I don’t know if I’m even attracted to girls,” Phil says quietly. “It never felt like this when I was with girls.”

Jimmy buries his face in Phil’s neck. It must be sweaty and awful there which only makes Phil’s heart swell further.

“It didn’t for me either,” Jimmy says.

“Does that mean we’re gay?”

“I guess for right now.” He pulls his head back to look at Phil’s face. “Does that bother you?”

Phil thinks before he answers. “I guess… it does and it doesn’t? Like… it’s just a word. It doesn’t change anything. But words do have power. There’s a weight to that word.”

Jimmy actually smiles at that. “Your profs would be so proud of you right now.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up.”

Phil shoves at him and wriggles free of his grip. “I feel disgusting.”

“Me too,” Jimmy says, sitting up. “You made a mess of me.”

“We made a mess of each other.”

Jimmy chuckles, reaching for the toilet roll Phil none too subtly keeps right out in the open on his bedside table. “The title of our joint autobiography.”

-

Phil takes Martyn to a pub off campus. He’s not sure why it feels safer to get as much distance as he can from his usual haunts, but it does. Maybe he’s a little afraid of running into someone he knows, but that doesn’t really make sense. It’s not like anyone but Jimmy knows the secret he’s hiding anyway.

He orders a fruity cocktail because Martyn knows him and isn’t going to take the piss. Martyn orders the same thing and Phil remembers how much he actually really loves his brother. It makes him rather suddenly homesick.

“I’m surprised mum didn’t insist on tagging along.”

“She did,” Martyn says, leaning back and spreading his arms out over the back of the booth. “I got the drop on her, though.”

Phil smiles, and then shrugs. “You could bring her next time.”

“Missing ol’ Mama Lester then, are you?”

He shrugs again. “Yes and no. I dunno.”

“Very helpful. Articulate as ever.”

“I do kinda miss being home and like… not having to look after myself? Making decisions for myself is kinda… shit.”

Martyn laughs. “Tell me about it. Wait ‘til you have to start applying for proper jobs.”

“Are you doing that now?” Phil asks. He wouldn’t mind throwing the focus off himself for a while and truth be told he hasn’t been keeping up with his brother as much as he probably should have been. He’s been… distracted.

Martyn nods. “Trying, anyway. Tough going.”

“Couldn’t you just work for dad?”

Martyn gives him a rather cutting look. “I could also eat bran flakes for breakfast and go to bed at nine pm.”

“Ok, that’s fair. Just seems like… he has a business, you studied business…”

Martyn sighs. “That’s kind of my problem. I reckon I should’ve studied something I actually enjoy.”

“At least mum and dad are proud of you,” Phil says quietly.

“Something you wanna talk about, Phil?”

Phil shrugs. “Uni is weird. I feel like I’m meant to know what I’m doing by now but I still feel like…. well, a child, basically. A child who’s maybe making a lot of bad choices.”

“Cheers to that,” Martyn says, taking a sip of his drink. “Oh, ok. Now I get why you like these so much.”

“Shut up. And don’t act like you’re not the perfect model of a grown up.”

Martyn snorts. “Trust me I’m not. Hate to break it to you, but that’s just what adulthood is like, feeling like everyone else has their shit together more than you do. The good thing is that literally everyone feels that way.”

“That’s not a comfort,” Phil says. “I wanna know things are gonna get easier.”

“What’s so hard right now?” Martyn asks. “Classes not going well?”

“Classes are fine, mostly. I don’t mind the classes.”

“So what are these bad choices you’re making? God, you’ve not taken up smoking or something, have you? Mum will kill you.”

“No! Obviously not, nothing like that.”

Martyn rolls his eyes. “If it’s not even something as bad as the occasional cigarette I think you’re going to be just fine.”

“Maybe it’s worse,” Phil says in a very small voice. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this. It’s not like he wants to talk about it.

And it’s not like he actually thinks Jimmy is a bad choice. Jimmy isn’t even a choice at all, he’s just… Jimmy. He’s the person Phil wants to be around all the time.

He’s the person Phil wishes he wasn’t afraid to tell his brother about.

Martyn narrows his eyes as he studies Phil’s face. “What is it then? Girl trouble?”

His stomach clenches, but he laughs through it bitterly. “Definitely not.”

“Mate,” Martyn says incredulously. “The hickey on your neck says otherwise.”

Phil’s hand flies up to smack over his neck.

“Other side,” Martyn whispers.

“It’s… a burn. From my straighteners.”

“Bullshit.”

His brain is scrambling for a response. He could lie, he supposes, but he’s never been much good at that when it comes to the people who really know him. He could just tell Martyn to back off but he’s never been much good at that either.

“If you don’t wanna talk about her that’s fine,” Martyn says. He’s grinning and Phil hates it so much. “But you can’t slip anything past your big bro.”

Phil wouldn’t call himself an impulsive person. Far from it in fact, but suddenly he’s got an impulse he can’t control and instead of trying to bite it back he goes right ahead and blurts it out.

“It’s not a girl.”

Martyn just gives him an incredulous look. “Mate, that’s clearly a hickey. I may not use straighteners but I know what a burn looks like and that ain’t it.”

This is his out. He can still decide it’s not what he wants. He can stay comfortably hidden in his closet and laugh and say something like he’s not going to kiss and tell. He’s safe.

“It’s a bloke.”

Dead silence. And then, “Oh.”

More silence, agonizing, soul-splintering silence. And then, “Ok, cool. That’s cool. That’s brilliant. What’s his name?”

“Um.” This feels almost too awkward to physically bear. “Jimmy.”

“So what’s up with you and Jimmy?”

Phil kind of balks. “Is that… that’s all you have to say?”

“Um.” Martyn runs his hands through the hair he keeps trimmed short. “Sorry, mate. No one’s ever, like… come out. To me. I’m— I don’t wanna say the wrong thing.”

Phil looks down at his lap. “I didn’t— I’m not _coming out_. I just… I don’t know. It’s not like that.”

“Ok,” Martyn says. They’re both quiet for a few beats and then Martyn says, very cautiously, “Am I allowed to ask what it _is_ like?”

Phil moves on from staring down awkwardly to biting his lip while he stares down awkwardly. “I guess, like… we’re… together.”

“So he’s your boyfriend.”

Phil shrugs. Then he nods.

“Ok. That’s awesome.”

Phil doesn’t say anything. He gives his head a little nod but can’t bring himself to meet his brother’s eyes.

“Phil.”

He forces himself to stop being so painfully awkward. He looks up and wonders what he’s supposed to do with his mouth. What kind of expression is he meant to make for a situation like this?

“I don’t really know what to say to make you, like, feel alright.”

“Sorry,” Phil says. “I don’t either. Just feels scary.”

“You don’t have to be scared of me. It’s just me, Mar, your super cool ruggedly handsome extremely athletic and intelligent and all-around amazing older brother.” He grins.

Phil flips him off. “You’re a div.”

“No, Phil, that wasn’t part of the list. Now tell me about your boyfriend.”

Phil fidgets in his seat. “This feels weird. Can we like, go for a walk or something? No offense but like… I can’t look at you. While we talk about this.”

“You’re ridiculous, but yeah. We can.”

They neck the rest of their drinks and escape to the fresh air and Phil feels instantly better without walls and a ceiling constricting him. He kind of hopes Martyn won’t ask about Jimmy again, but at the same time there’s a part of him that’s actually desperate to spill everything.

“So,” Martyn says, hands shoved into his pockets. “Jimmy.”

“Yeah,” Phil says. He’s glad for the view of cars and streets and buildings so he doesn’t have to feel weird about purposely looking away from Martyn’s eyes.

“Is he fit?”

Phil snort laughs, more from surprise than anything. “Uh. Yeah, he is.”

“Got any photos?”

He does. Less than he’d like in case any of his mates ever feel like being dicks and going through his phone, but he does. “This still just feels so weird,” he says.

“It’s not weird, Phil. I’m your brother.”

“I know, it’s just… I was expecting more… I dunno Surprise?”

“I am surprised,” Martyn says. “But I’m not shocked.”

Phil turns to him. “What does that mean?”

Martyn shrugs. “Just a vibe, I guess? You’ve never really had girlfriends. Not that that means anything, I’m not saying like I knew anything. I’m just not shocked.”

“I could have girlfriends,” Phil says defensively.

“I’m not saying you couldn’t.”

Phil snaps his mouth shut and picks up his pace a little. Martyn matches it easily.

“No one else knows,” Phil says quietly.

“No one?”

Phil shakes his head. “Just you and him.”

“Do you want more people to know?”

“Yes and no. Mostly no? I don’t know.”

Martyn chuckles and Phil frowns at him. “I’m sorry, I’m not taking the piss, it’s just—”

“I know, I know. I told you, I suck at being an adult.”

“It can’t feel good having to keep something like that a secret.”

Phil shrugs. “I guess it doesn’t, but I also don’t really trust anyone else enough to tell them.”

“Mum?” Martyn asks.

Phil snorts. “What would I even say?”

“What you said to me?”

“She’d ask if that means I’m gay.”

“Probably,” Martyn says gently. “And that would bother you?”

“Just don’t know if it’s what I am.” He feels the weight of Martyn’s arm sling across his shoulders and squeeze.

“That sounds hard. And shit.”

Phil actually smiles a little at that. “Yeah, I think it is.”

“I wish I had good advice or like, knew what to say, even in the slightest.”

“S’ok,” Phil mumbles. “I’m… fine. Like… things are confusing but. Jimmy is kind of great.”

“Can I meet him?”

Phil’s heart sinks. “I didn’t tell him I was gonna tell you.”

“Oh. And you think he’d be cross?”

“He hasn’t told anyone either.”

“Oh you poor little idiots,” Martyn says sadly.

“Yeah,” Phil agrees. He can’t really argue with that. “It kind of feels nice to talk to you about it, even though it’s weird.”

“It’s not weird!” Martyn says firmly.

“Yeah, but… it just feels like— I dunno. Like you’re gonna judge me.”

“I’m not, Phil.”

Phil shrugs. “I think I might, a little. If the situation were reversed. I think it’d feel weird. Maybe you’re just better than me.” His voice has gone sad against his will. He hates what he’s saying but he knows it’s true.

“Oh Phil.”

“Sorry,” Phil mumbles.

Martyn is quiet for a while. “You know what you need?”

Phil looks over at him expectantly. He still has his arm across Phil’s shoulders. the whole big brother thing always seemed to come so naturally to him.

“You need people to talk to. People you know for sure aren’t going to judge you.”

Phil groans quietly. “Talking to people is scary.”

“Isn’t feeling judged and isolated scary too, though?”

Martyn’s words slam right into him with the simplicity of their truth. He looks down at his feet. “Yeah. It is.”

“They have clubs for this sort of thing, you know. Societies. You should check it out.”

Phil pouts, because he knows Martyn is right. “I’ll think about it,” he grumbles. “Now you have to take me out for pizza.”

Martyn laughs. “Oh do I?”

Phil nods. “Your job as the older brother.”

-

 

He’s sat opposite Jimmy in the library when he sees the advert. It’s the QUEER in big rainbow letters that catches his eye and ‘board game night’ below it that makes him sure it’s a sign from the universe. He has to go. He squints from where he’s sat to catch the time and date.

It’s tomorrow. Not much time to freak out and change his mind, then. Martyn will be thrilled when Phil tells him.

He nudges Jimmy’s foot under the table, then nods his head in the direction of the poster when Jimmy looks up. Jimmy frowns his confusion at Phil.

Phil’s mouth has gone dry, but it’s too late to back out now. He’d already chickened out of introducing Jimmy and Martyn, he can’t chicken out of this too. Martyn was right: feeling isolated is awful. He may not be great at talking to people but he doesn’t enjoy the loneliness he carries with him not knowing what it really means that he’s fallen for another guy.

“You wanna go?” Phil asks, voice hushed.

“Uh… no? Do you?”

Phil sits a little straighter in his seat. “Yeah. I’m gonna go.”

“Why?”

Phil looks at him straight on even though all he really wants to do is melt into the floor. “Why not?”

“Are you… you really wanna go?” Jimmy asks. He leans forward and lowers his voice. “You wanna tell people?”

“I just maybe want someone to talk to who might… understand.”

Jimmy’s still frowning. He looks scared.

“My brother thought it was a good idea,” Phil adds.

“You told your brother?”

Phil nods.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Phil looks around. He doesn’t think anyone’s listening in on their conversation, but there are people milling about all over the place. “Can we get out of here?”

Jimmy nods, packing up his laptop immediately. Phil has a sinking feeling in his stomach like he’s ruined everything, and his hands shake as he shoves his books into his backpack.

“Coffee?” Phil asks as they push the doors open and step outside.

Jimmy shakes his head. “My room.”

By the time they get there Phil’s heart is racing. He hopes it’s an overreaction.

Jimmy drops his bag at the foot of his bed and sits on the edge of the mattress. Phil can’t bring himself to do the same without knowing if Jimmy is about to break up with him or what.

“Are you pissed off?” he blurts.

“No.” Jimmy’s answer is almost too immediate to be believable.

“But you’re something,” Phil says quietly. “Something… not good. Because I told Martyn?”

“I mean… I’m surprised about that. I didn’t think we were telling people.”

Something inside Phil darkens. “ _We_ aren’t. I did. I told my brother that I was seeing a bloke. That’s it. Don’t worry, no one you know is gonna find out.”

Jimmy frowns. “That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it? You’re terrified.”

“I’m just not ready.”

Phil shakes his head and looks away. “Yeah, I know. I’m not either. Like, not to tell everyone but… feels like shit to feel like your dirty little secret.”

“You’re not dirty,” Jimmy says sadly. “It’s not like that—”

“I know,” Phil says gruffly. “I know.

“What— like what is it exactly you want from me?” Jimmy asks. “You’re so angry.”

Phil walks over to bed and sits next to him. “I’m not. I’m sorry. I’m just… lost. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

“Neither do I. That’s the whole point.”

Phil looks over at him. “Are you going to be cross if I go to this board game thing?”

“No.” Again, Phil isn’t entirely convinced.

“But you won’t come with me.”

Jimmy gives him a pleading look, but he doesn’t say anything. He reaches out and finds Phil’s hand without looking away, wrapping around Phil’s fingers and squeezing tight. “I don’t want to talk to people I don’t know about something that…”

“Scares you,” Phil finishes.

“Is that so awful to you?” Jimmy asks. “It’s not about what I feel when I’m with you.”

“I feel like at any second you’re gonna change your mind,” Phil says weakly. “You’re gonna realize it’s too hard or too scary or whatever and be done with me.”

He doesn’t fight it when Jimmy grabs his face and pushes him back on the bed with their mouths attached. He kisses back and grabs back, pulls Jimmy’s shirt off and bites at his neck, sucks at the skin there until little pinpricks of blood blossom just under the surface. Jimmy groans like he likes it but Phil is filled with the dark need just to leave his mark. He wants proof there that at least right now Jimmy is his to do this with.

Jimmy works Phil’s jeans open and licks his hand before reaching into his pants and taking hold. Everything is rougher and needier and more desperate than anything Phil’s felt before, with Jimmy or anyone else.

The thought doesn’t even cross his mind to reciprocate. He knows how he feels about Jimmy. He knows he’s going to keep wanting it no matter how hard and confusing things get. Nothing has ever made him feel half of what he feels just looking at Jimmy’s eyes or waking up next to him. He has nothing to prove today.

He wants to focus on the way Jimmy wants him. He wants to feel it all, every tug and twist and kiss. Every moan is like music, the sweetest vindication.

They’re a mess together, but Phil wants it. He’d rather be messy with Jimmy than put together with anyone else. When they’re half naked and panting and clinging to each other it feels like that’s what Jimmy wants too, Phil and his mess.

They fall asleep together when it’s over, sweaty and satisfied and holding onto each other for dear life.

When Phil wakes up, his heart is heavy again. Nothing makes any more sense than it did yesterday. He untangles himself carefully from Jimmy’s arms, pulls his jeans back on, slips his feet into his trainers.

Jimmy hasn’t woken up. Phil watches him sleep for a minute, then picks up his backpack and walks out, closing the door carefully behind him.

-

He tries to dress smartly, but the best he can do is black jeans and a dark blue plaid button up. He spends longer than usual straightening his fringe and ignores the buzzing of his phone in his pocket as he walks to the building where the queer soc is having their board game party thing.

He’s fucking bricking it. He doesn’t know what kinds of questions people are going to ask him and what kind of answers he’ll be comfortable giving. That is, if anyone even talks to him at all.

What if everyone there already knows each and is out and proud and he’s just the awkward new guy who stupid hair who’s too afraid to even admit he’s… not straight, or whatever. He’ll stick out like a sore thumb.

He should turn around and go home. He should ring Jimmy and see if he’s free and not too hurt at Phil walking out last night. Why did he think he could do this? He’s terrible at talking to people. He’s terrible with big social gatherings. What the actual hell was he thinking?

What if they’ve already got teams? What if it’s super competitive and no one wants him, like he’s back in sixth form getting picked last for football? What if there’s someone he knows there and they put two and two together and out Jimmy to everyone and then Jimmy breaks up with him and he’s alone forever and it could have all been avoided if he’d just shut up and been happy with a super fit boyfriend who just wanted to keep it a secret?

What’s so bad about secrets? Secrets can be fun. Hooking up in the toilets at the party was fun and cheeky and naughty. It’s not so bad. His life’s not so bad, why does he have to subject himself to things that make his stomach twist so anxiously he thinks he might actually, genuinely sick right here on the floor?

He can hear music. He wipes the sweat from his palms on his jeans and peeks in through the window. There are more people than he expected and a table with drinks and snacks and lots and lots of people walking around and talking to each other. There are tables with games set up but they almost seem to be an afterthought, like people can come and go as they please and probably no one is keeping score of anything.

He reckons he could walk in and no one would even really notice him. It’s good. He can do this.

He walks in before he has time to change his mind.

He doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb or a normal thumb or anything. He’s just a guy in a whole group of other guys and girls and people who look more or less normal. It’s like going to a class, but in party mode.

Which now that he’s here seems pretty freaking obvious. It’s really not that scary. No one is singling him out.

He does still wish he had the safety blanket of… well, of Jimmy. He really wishes Jimmy were here with him. He makes a beeline for the drinks. A little liquid courage is exactly what he needs right now. He spoons some punch into a red plastic cup like something out of an American teen film and takes a few glugs.

His phone buzzes again but he ignores it steadfastly. He’s almost positive it’s Jimmy and he just doesn’t want to deal with that right now. He needs to keep riding this wave of bravery until it crashes against the rocks.

Whoever decorated this place has exactly Phil’s kind of style. It almost makes him laugh. He can imagine Jimmy’s horror at all the rainbows and balloons taped up the walls, but Phil loves it. It’s bright and colourful and does strangely make him feel more welcome. He can’t say yet whether that’s because he’s assuming most of the people in this room share at least one thing in common with him, or just because he likes things that are bright and shiny.

He tips his drink back and lets the lot of it slide down his throat. It’s sweet and delicious and he knows he could get way too drunk way too quickly if he carried on like that so he refills his cup and makes his way over to a nice big bowl of crisps.

He’s just shoved a handful into his mouth when a bloke with wavy blonde hair and a big smile full of endearingly crooked teeth comes walking right up to him.

Phil notices the way his biceps fill out his t-shirt right away. He shouldn’t be noticing something like that. He shouldn’t be enjoying the look of it so much.

The guy leans a hip against the table and takes a handful of crisps out of the same bowl. “Hi,” he says. His voice is a higher pitch than Phil had been expecting.

“Hey.” That’s good. Casual, not too awkward. So far so good.

“The food is always the best part of these things, isn’t it?” He smiles again.

“Oh, I’ve actually… never been.” Ok. That’s alright. Slightly awkward, but not the worst.

“I was wondering,” the guy says. “Didn’t think I’d seen anyone as tall dark and handsome as you around before.”

Phil laughs and it’s definitely awkwardly, but he pushes through it. “Mate, I’m about as dark as a snowflake.”

Fit guy smiles _again_. No one’s ever smiled at Phil so much in his life. “Well your hair is dark, anyway.”

“It is,” Phil says. He thinks he’s doing a pretty decent job of keeping his cool even though his heart is beating about a billion times a minute.

“I’m Zach.” The guy holds out his hand. Phil takes it and hopes he’s not too noticeably shaky.

Their hands stay gripped together a beat longer than Phil thinks is strictly normal. This bloke must just very very friendly, right?

“Your hands are so soft, oh my god.”

Phil wonders if he’s awful for the assumptions he’s making just based on the cadence of Zach’s voice and the fact that he’s definitely got some glitter varnish on his nails. He supposes it’s not too far fetched to assume someone at an event that literally labels itself as queer is gay, but it still makes him feel like he doesn’t quite belong here. He doesn’t know the rules.

“I moisturize,” Phil says. “I may be pasty but at least I’m soft, right?”

“You’re not pasty, you’re… ivory,” Zachary says. “And you still haven’t told me your name.”

“Oh yeah, sorry. It’s Phil. I’m Phil. Hi.”

Zach grins. “Phil. Hmm. Old fashioned. I like that.”

Is he flirting? He can’t be, can he? This guy looks like he could be on the rowing team or something.

“I’m glad you approve,” Phil says. “You know when I was like twelve I told my mum I wished my name was Zach. I told her I was going to change it as soon as I was old enough.”

“And yet here you are, still Phil.”

“I got boring in my old age.”

Zach takes a step closer, closer than Phil thinks a person would get if they weren’t kind of sort of flirting. “I’m willing to bet you’re anything but boring.” Even his voice changes, dropping into something deeper, like a secret that’s just for them.

Phil laughs. It’s awkward, but he’s actually glad. Awkward is exactly how he feels. This doesn’t feel like the flirting he’d done with Jimmy the first night they met. That flirting had been clumsy and confused. It had happened even though they were both terrified.

Zach isn’t clumsy and confused. He must have gone through the part of his life where he was terrified and come out the other side a man who knows what he wants, and Phil admires that. It gives him hope that someday his own fear might be a little less.

But right now he still feels all that fear and all that confusion, and so Does Jimmy.

Maybe that’s just how it has to be. Because Phil doesn’t want confident and self assured, not if he can’t have it with Jimmy.

He’s about to say something awkward to Zach to try diffuse the sudden one-way tension when something across the room catches his eye.

He’ll never again question his belief in fate, because what’s caught his attention is the particular brown of Jimmy’s fringe and the way his grin goes crooked when he really means it. He walks straight toward Phil like they’re magnetized.

“Hello,” he says when he gets there.

God, he’s so… Everything. Right now Jimmy is everything to Phil. He feels like his heart might actually explode. They share a moment as their eyes lock and their smiles for each other are unrestrained, so pure and full of what it means that Jimmy is here in this room right now.

“Hi,” Zach says and Phil turns to look at him, because truth be told he’d briefly forgotten that he’d been in the middle of a conversation.

“Oh, um. This is my…” Phil smirks. The secret feels nice now, like a special private thing just for the two of them. “Jimmy,” he finishes. “This is Jimmy.”

“Ohh, ok ok,” Zach says, his voice full of realization, but it’s a happy one. He’s not put out. He smiles and offers his hand to Jimmy now. “Hi Jimmy, I’m Zach.”

“Oh yeah whoops sorry,” Phil says sheepishly.

Jimmy chuckles as he gives Zach a friendly shake. “Phil’s shit at introductions.”

“Oi.”

Zach smiles. He definitely understands. “Well lads, shall we play a game?”

They play about half a game of clue before Zach excuses himself. He says he needs the toilet but Phil’s sure he’s just not all that interested.

Jimmy turns to Phil once Zach’s gone. “Do you wanna go mingle or play another—”

“Wanna get out of here?”

Jimmy frowns. “Do you?”

Phil nods.

Once outside Jimmy asks where Phil wants to go.

“Can we just walk?”

They walk. It’s a nice night, the air is only slightly cool and the water is still. Phil reckons he’s been mostly taking for granted how beautiful campus really is.

They’re not really talking. Phil has a lot going on his head. He’s riding the high of an epiphany he’s not sure how to articulate, but he knows he wants Jimmy next to him. He just doesn’t know how to express himself.

Jimmy stops when they’re halfway across the bridge. “Phil. You’re freaking me out.”

Phil shakes his head and looks down at his feet. “Sorry.”

“What’s going on?” Jimmy asks. His hand is on Phil’s arm. “Should I not have come?”

Phil looks at him. He can’t see the blue of his eyes in this lighting. Really he wants nothing more than to step in close and kiss his stupid face. “I’m afraid if we go back to one of our rooms I’ll say something I shouldn’t.”

“What?” Jimmy asks quietly. “Like you can’t do this anymore?”

Phil looks up. “No, like I love you.”

Jimmy just stares, his expression giving away nothing.

“And I know that’s probably, like… too soon. Or too scary.”

“I’ve never been in love before,” Jimmy says.

Warmth floods Phil’s chest. “Me neither.”

“It _is_ scary. It was scary when I woke up yesterday and you weren’t there.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil says softly.

“And then you weren’t talking to me today. I thought I’d fucked everything up.”

“You haven’t,” Phil assures. “I’m just an idiot.”

Jimmy doesn’t deny it.

“But you came tonight,” Phil says, his voice almost reverent.

“It was important to you.”

“I don’t even really understand why. It’s just… like, I reckon this is actually a pretty big part of who I am? And I got tired of being afraid.”

Jimmy nods. “I know.”

“I’m still afraid.”

Jimmy huffs a laugh. “Me too. Majorly.”

“I think I’ll come back. Maybe to the next one. Maybe I’ll try harder, actually talk to people.”

Jimmy nods. “I don’t—” He takes a breath. “I’m not sure I want to come.”

Phil looks around to make sure there’s no one else around. There are people in the distance, but they’re very likely not paying any attention to two weirdos with emo haircuts loitering on the bridge, so he steps in a little closer and grabs Jimmy’s hand. “You don’t have to. Showing up tonight was enough.”

Jimmy squeezes around Phil’s fingers. “I’m not gonna change my mind, by the way.”

Phil nods. He’s not sure he’ll ever be fully sure of that, but maybe that’s his own problem and it’s not fair to project his insecurities onto someone who’s dealing with so many of his own.

“Was that bloke flirting with you?” Jimmy asks out of nowhere.

Phil laughs. “Is that what you’ve been thinking about this whole time?”

“Mostly, yeah. Was he?”

“Um. A little?” Phil can’t keep the cheeky smirk off his face. “Does that bother you?”

“Hell yes it fucking bothers me,” Jimmy says without hesitation. “Good thing I showed up.”

Phil giggles, taking altogether too much pleasure in Jimmy’s jealousy. He pulls him in the direction of home and then drops Jimmy’s hand before they’ve pushed their luck too far.

He’s never been more eager for their own private space. It doesn’t feel like a compromise made by two frightened idiots tonight. It feels like a privilege.

“You never had anything to worry about,” Phil says softly. “You never do.”

**Author's Note:**

> endless thanks to mandy for all her help and encouragement with this one <3


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